It’s been 13 days since I last updated. Oh man, it’s going to be SUCH a long update. Crazy.
But for now, I’m just thinking. Daydreaming. Hoping. Dreaming. Reminiscing.
Daydreaming. Daydreaming of the future, of the next few months, of the few remaining plans and ideas I have. I can’t publicly say what some of them are here, but they are very creative and neat ideas that I have been holding onto for months! And I am anxious to begin. And I daydream of what will happen after their initiation, daydream of what the future will bring, and daydream of how I will try to change the world.
Hoping. I’m hoping to change the world. To do something grand with my video games, have some kind of huge cultural impact, have an influence so large that I can help lots of other people. Hoping for this goal that doesn’t seem so far out of sight, and hoping that life will continue to be happy. It really has been just like a dream.
Dreaming. Dreaming of attaining impractical goals. Of never giving up, of always going onwards, and even when you are told that you can never succeed, to push on. And I dream of other things, that I probably cannot say, but are some of my larger aspirations, that I spend hours working on trying to get, and envisioning what I can accomplish. It is such a contrast from the past.
Reminiscing. Reminiscing on how I used to be. A soulless unemotional socially-retarded sad-sack excuse of a person. A person who sincerely believed that their value as a human being wasn’t worth a dang thing. A waste of air, resources, energy, and space. A horrible altruist only able to hurt other people. And so it goes that as life ran, I had to catch up, and now things are different. I can’t remember anything before 8th grade. Barely can remember 9th. But I can remember all those times where it seemed like the world did not care for me, always leaving me alone, to feel the horrible pain of the worst two emotions possible: uselessness and loneliness.
And now things are different. I have great friends, a caring family, a huge support, helpful teachers and mentors and role models, an understanding of emotions and all the crazy social complexities that govern this loonybin.
It makes me happy and calm to think of such things. As I wait to get some Calculus work, this reminds me of why I continue to try to be as good as I can, of why I want to be the best friend I can.
How can one not be happy, if everything is always okay?
And when I feel bad, or guilty, I now have these philosophies to help me get through. I could feel the worst guilt in a long time
And that is okay.
Because everything is always okay, and will just keep on getting better.